See what I did there? That’s how TERRIBLE we are at listening. High on my very long list of “to do” inner work (practicing kindness and compassion that doesn’t expect recognition or repayment, offering ACTIVE help rather than passive talk about helping, creating and giving more positive energy, lovingly letting go of attachments to things and people that aren’t in some way life-giving, not burning the potato soup, and so much more) is striving to become a better listener.
If you pay attention to most conversations—really pay attention—you’ll quickly notice this pattern: Someone speaks to you, but you don’t really pay attention or register what they’re saying. Your mind is already busy planning/rehearsing what you’ll say next about YOURSELF. And as soon as the person speaking to you takes a breath or pauses, you shove into the “conversation” something similar, relatable, better, more interesting, or wonderful about YOURSELF. And while you’re talking, the person you’re talking to isn’t listening to you, either…they’re busy getting ready with whatever they’ll shove into the next pause. Ad infinitum.
Good listening is essential, I think, for these reasons and more:
- It can build relationship, community, trust, and mutual respect.
- It can teach us to distinguish nuances, tone, subtleties that can reveal another person’s needs.
- It can teach us about unfamiliar "others." (There really are no others, in the "we're all one" sense of humanity...)
- It can bridge differences between people, but only if we give our FULL ATTENTION.
Think of the way babies and children learn—we think they’re often idling away their time in thoughtless bliss, but as a mom of three who swears like a pirate, trust me—they’re usually listening carefully. The old saying, “It’s more important what comes out of your mouth than what you put in it,” is actually a gem of listening (and dieting) wisdom.
So how did we get to be so terrible at listening? It may be partly the myth of multitasking and our modern obsession with busy-ness. But I’m with creative strategist (whatever that is) Noah Rabinowitz when he suggests our inability or unwillingness to listen is mostly the result of unchecked and/or undisciplined EGO (the culprit in most of my necessary inner work). I like how he explains the ways EGO undermines our ability to truly listen:
-- Preoccupation with Self: When our ego is in control, we become preoccupied with our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences. This self-centered focus makes it difficult to genuinely listen to others….
-- Need to Be Right: The ego often drives the need to be right and to win arguments (debates). This need can lead to interrupting others, dismissing their viewpoints, or not fully considering their perspectives. Instead of listening to understand, we listen to find flaws in the other person’s argument and to assert our own correctness.
-- Fear of Vulnerability: The ego protects us from feeling vulnerable. Truly listening to someone else requires us to open up to their ideas and emotions, which can be uncomfortable. The ego resists this by keeping us guarded and defensive, preventing us from fully engaging in the conversation.
-- Judgment and Assumptions: The ego often leads us to judge others and make assumptions about their thoughts and intentions….We filter what they say through our biases, frequently missing the core essence of their message.
I’m not saying better listening would solve the world’s problems, but I’m pretty sure it would help. It’s our 37th wedding anniversary this month, the alabaster anniversary. I can’t see gifting Ray an alabaster statue of Socrates, so maybe I’ll give him the gift of really listening to him—for a day, at least. 😉
