Stranger Than Fiction

The semester is underway, and I’m working to get my “sea legs” back after a slow, peaceful summer. I’m steeling myself in preparation for the many, many essays I’ll be reading, and pondering--again--the evolution of the English language. It’s tempting to say that language is really devolving as students increasingly use texting and Facebook lingo in place of standard English. But I’m old; maybe it IS standard English now.

So I’ve been practicing in front of the mirror, reading aloud the examples below from actual student essays as I closely watch my face, trying to turn my knee-jerk horrified shriek into a calm, benevolent smile. As a side note, I couldn’t agree more with #’s 8, 12, and 14, and I find #’s 2, 6, 15, and 17 particularly ambiguous and creative…

1. I’d just assume not go.
2. She fell deeper and deeper into desparity.
3. I’ll never again take life for granite.
4. Now that I have an in-debt understanding…
5. It’s better to tell the truth, as a pose to lying.
6. I’ll never make that fetal mistake again.
7. I learned a valuable lesion.
8. Doctors should not perspire antidepressants to teens.
9. This will not denture terrorism.
10. They should do more indep back round checks.
11. I’ve put these in craniological order.
12. Parents should not force their children to take piano lesions.
13. Without feather a do, I present my portfolio.
14. Smoking should be banned in all pubic places.
15. Drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge would ruin the beautiful land escape.
16. The wind was abnormally clam.
17. People in the United States live a fast paste lifestyle.
18. Living at home is much more convent than living in the dorms.
19. His brother shows great love and compaction.

20. It was a text box definition of tragedy.