Anniversary Advice (to be taken with a grain of salt)

Today’s our anniversary. Ray and I have been together for 26 years, married for 23 of those. As any of my family members or close friends can tell you, I am no expert on love & relationships. But I can tell you what’s worked for us, so here are my tips for staying together:

1. Be competitive. Find a couple that’s been together longer than you have. Convince yourself that time is a false human construct, and that you COULD someday not only catch up to them, but leave them in the dust. Secretly go for their record. Imagine a spectacular prize when you surpass them, like a pound of Kopi Luwac coffee or an extra two hours of sleep.

2. Mix it up. If you’ve been walking around the house in the same threadbare Cornhusker sweats and Moose Drool t-shirt for the past six weeks (or 16 years), surprise your partner by greeting her/him at the door in your grandma’s flannel nightgown and a Snuggie. Variety really IS the spice of life.

3. Don’t hold a grudge. No one, no matter how convinced that time is a false human construct, can go back and undo the past. That blunder(s) didn’t mean as much as you think. It wasn’t highly charged with significance; it didn’t reveal your partner’s true, suppressed feelings, which only you can accurately interpret. It was just a stupid human mistake. Let it go. Concentrate on NOW.

4. Plan time together. No one just HAS time anymore. One has to MAKE time. Take a few minutes each day to look each other in the eye and say nice stuff. Don’t use the time to complain, whine, ask for something, criticize, or gossip about someone else. Use it for endearments, like, “I admire the cut of your jib,” or “You can remote start my minivan anytime, Sailor.”

5. Travel. Sometimes, you need to force yourselves into a small, enclosed space in order to renew your sense of togetherness. And long road trips can be the truest test of a couple’s compatibility: Who died and made YOUR iPod king? This car smells like French fries and gym socks. Are you SURE there are mountains in western Kansas? Pull over…this is SO much prettier than the Interstate shoulder I photographed five minutes ago (repeat every five minutes).

6. Turn off the TV. Television, not religion, is the opiate of the masses (think of religious TV as a lethal overdose). It’s hard to be attentive to your partner, let alone romantic, when you’re snoring in your La-Z-Girl or all “coked up” on Bridezillas, Finding Bigfoot, Ice Road Truckers, or anything on the Food Network. But do set up the DVR to record Justified, and watch it together, religiously, both of you wearing only boxers, boots and cowboy hats.

7. Read together. Read in bed together. Read aloud to each other. You read a Dr. Ruth book aloud in a bad German accent, and she/he will read a Dr. Suess book aloud in a bad Shakespearean actor voice.

8. Don’t EVER fight about money. In fact, ignore money. Pretend you’re independently wealthy. If your partner asks why you spent a ridiculous amount of money on a boxed set of Pema Chodran lojong meditation cards, roll your eyes back in your head and, in a chant-like voice, mumble something about not wanting to roll over budget funds into the next fiscal year.

9. Eat together. I know our society is waaaaay too focused on food, but maybe there’s an underlying reason. After all, food is an expression of our shared humanity, our collective survival, our communal nature. So sit down every day and eat a meal together. In a pinch, Subway or Hy-Vee Chinese will work (but plate it, and use the good chopsticks). If you think it’s impossible, try this: For ONE week, keep track of the total amount of time you spend eating. If you can’t spare some of that time to share a meal with your life partner, it’s time to re-think your scheduling priorities.

10. Laugh together. When I went to the dentist for my first root canal (not that marriage is like a root canal), I was terrified. Then, as the dentist leaned over me, the dental hygienist slowly rose up behind him with a pencil hanging out of each nostril. All that fear melted away. Laugh at yourself. Find an oldies station on Sirius and dance like you’re on Hullaballoo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amvE30VCk0w). Black out two teeth with a grease pencil and smile when your partner walks through the door after work. Never be afraid to be silly.

Honestly? I’m amazed we’ve made it this far. I’m amazed ANYONE makes it this far. But as Walt Whitman said, “Every moment of light and dark is a miracle.” So tonight, Ray and I will celebrate a quarter-century of miracles. We’ll celebrate with good friends (the minister who married us, and her husband who sang “Blackbird” at our wedding), fine wine, Brazilian food, live music, and lots and lots of laughter.