That's Not My Bag, Man

Summer is waning here at Uncannery Re-Row; we’ve picked the last of the cucumbers and Ray has pulled up the jungle of plants, and the scant tomatoes are about done. We didn’t have a single canner load of tomatoes this year; it was a season of uncooperative weather—wet, cold, dry, blistering heat, wet, rinse & repeat, all at the wrong times. We were overrun with gorgeous herbs, however, so we’ve dried parsley, thyme, and basil, and we have a truckload of pesto in the freezer (guess what everyone will get for Christmas???).

Tiny bags for wallet and phone - can be stashed in the backback.

As the garden dwindles and nights get chilly, I thought I’d write about something that surely keeps you up at night as much as it does me: Finding the perfect bag. Call it a purse, handbag, satchel, manbag, pack, it doesn’t matter—we humans simply have too much stuff (observe the proliferation of storage facilities that now seem to outnumber humans on the planet), and we need a perfect place to put it all.

I’m slightly obsessed with bags, which I have in three categories: (1) Bags I Like That Aren’t Quite Perfect but I Might Use Them Someday; (2) Bags That Don’t Work but They Were On Sale and They’re Still Nice Enough to Give Away as Gifts; and (3) Failed Bags I’m Shipping Back. I’d like to say I don’t also have a “still thinking it over” pile…

I travel a lot each fall and spring season with our state poetry society’s Poetry on the Road program, so the perfect bag is an absolute necessity, since I can’t run home for things I’ve forgotten. I thought I’d share my ideal-bag criteria, which I’m confident is the same as yours:

1. Two handles: one short “grab” handle for grabbing on the run, and one long handle for hands-free, over-the-shoulder carrying. A third handle for looping over a wrist would be nice, but I already spend too much time tangled in or caught on door handles by multiple handles. A sling is out if you are even sightly busty.

2. The outside of the bag must be washable and must have places for attaching a full range of carabiners for car keys, a Sasquatch keychain stuffie, an emergency whistle, someone else’s car keys, a water bottle, etc.

Spare (larger) backpack, and a box 'o bags.

3. A water bottle pocket on one side is a nice addition, but see #2 above.

4. The bag must NOT have a flap—these waste precious time flipping open to get at the interior.

5. RFID pockets are a plus, though do they really prevent anything?

6. The bag must be a pleasant but non-offensive color, easily spotted from a distance for when you walk off without it in an airport lounge, but not so loud as to draw unwanted attention to it, and not patterned in such a way that it camouflages itself, but interesting and visually appealing: Plum is nice, as is eggplant, dark sapphire, or a deep loden green. No black, yellow, or red. No “cute” prints. No uncomfortable ropey, twiney, or wiry handles.

7. An outside zip pocket, where you keep handy essentials you don’t have time to dig for: lip grease, hand lotion (travel size and refillable from your giant home-based vat), dental picks, and a multi tool (must have a blade, scissors in case you need to knit, flat and Phillips head screwdrivers, tweezers, and of course, a cork screw).

These are knitting project bags; they don't count.

8. An outside zip-free, deep slip pocket where you drop your phone at the last possible moment.

9. An inside zip pocket (or preferably two) where you keep first-aid supplies, a week’s worth of prescription drugs as a backup, ear plugs, eyedrops, a nail file, Emergen-C, lipstick/stain and eyeliner (neither of which you will ever wear), and Tums.

10. An inside slip pocket where you keep a portable charger and Airpods.

11. A deep interior, where you keep a wallet; a tiny notebook for moments of inspiration, addresses, reminders, etc.; a pocket calendar that you keep updated even though all the dates are also recorded in your phone and on your home wall calendars but you might need to see a month-at-a-glance with notations while on the go; a complete list of your medications and supplements (in case of accident, loss of consciousness, or unexpected clinic visits); breath mints and vocal spray (in case you have to sing); a tiny pack of Puffs; a disturbingly bright penlight; and possibly Superglue.

12. The entire bag, filled, must be extremely comfortable to wear and ultra lightweight—this rules out leather, which is too heavy. Weight matters, because in addition to your bag, you will be carrying a backpack with duplicates of all of the above PLUS a laptop, possibly an iPad, your regular suitcase-sized medicine case, a portable white noise machine, a Kindle, and chargers for every device known to humankind.

My current bag is a Fjalraven High Coast Crossbody, and I love it, but it's too small. I'm thinking a 4 litre capacity at a minimum. Needless to say, I have yet to find my perfect bag, and hope is waning. But I’m certainly willing to entertain your suggestions. As Marcus Auralius (or somebody like that) said, Saccus perfectus necessarius est. Amen-us, Marcus.

 

Another bag ready to send back...